Eloquence from Afar

It's very frustrating that I can't write like my favorite writers. Gosh, I've read numerous accounts of their adventures in the everyday life. How can I not nab or grab part of their writing style? I'm still stuck in my mediocre block by block Ideas. Maybe if i start exegeting their work, I'll understand what it is that makes a great wit, or a great writer.

Some people say: "just write how you talk". Cowdung. Have you been to my hometown? Seems like people unanimously replaced the period and commas with "foo" or "sucka".

Some common Grocery Store language.

"how much are these tomatos foo?"
"Milanos are on sale Sucka!"
"There's a two for one sale, foo."
"I'm hungry Pete, come on foo."

Would that not increase you, the reader's chance for lowered IQ?

At the same time i find i have great difficulty keeping my sentences concise. I want to add an idea to an idea to an idea to an idea and so on. I'll also used "it seems", or "almost", or "similar to". I'm not sure what that is called. Is it passive-whatchamacallit? or Active tense-3rd observer?

Blast, i despise my lack of language. You know what great writing is? Great writing is this:

• What’s the longest you’ve ever worn a shirt backwards without knowing? I don’t mean inside-out. That happens all the time, and you can go all day like that. People might even think it’s intentional. I’m talking about backwards, where the little label in the collar ends up under your chin.
  
  I usually catch myself after the first five minutes of wearing a shirt backward. I call that my mean-time-to-backward-shirt-awareness, or MTBSA. I monitor that metric because once it hits 15 minutes I know it’s time to start wearing a fishing hat and driving slowly in the passing lane.
  
  My tennis partner once showed up for our match with his shorts on backwards. It didn’t make much difference except when he tried to put his balls in his pocket. [Insert your own joke here. But don’t use “That’s gotta hurt” because I just did.]

That's Scott Adams, my hero! Agggggggg! This lack of English literature and prose-sensing ability really gets on my nerves.

Summary: I hate my chinese genetic English language cap.