Electro-leech?

Yesterday I got a frantic call from my roommate. Murder? Theft? Lambasted(just wanted to use that word)? Marooned? The power is out. Roommate turned it off, and didn't tell us. Gracias, compadre.

My evening planned emptied out. Was that much of my evening electric centric? What should I do instead? I walked. I used my legs. My legs were happy. The calves long hated the thighs for collecting dorito and donut fat. The calves swelled to the gauge of artillery, supporting the despised excess blubber.

Air is good. Lungs need air. Sun is good. Scalp needs sun... i think... Anyways I napped on the grass for an hour, then proceeded to do some reading. Life is really really different without electricity. I suspect if the city browned out, drinking would exponentially increase, and slip n slide would immediately come back in style. Maybe both. Slip n slide in budweiser, perhaps?

Either way, I went to bed at, get this ... 10:30. Mainly because the lights were out too. In theory i would have grabbed a book, stuffed myself in a sofa, and read a billion pages. In a more realistic hypothesis, i would grab systematic theology half way into bed, and go 0 to zzzz in 15 secs. Beat that toyota.

Maybe we do make life a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

Need.

More and more I don't understand that word.

Summary: I'm convinced I'm 75% electric dependant.

Weakness

Weakness is despised by humans. Weakness is also adored by humans. Which is it?

20 year old complainers deserve spite. These are those who complain about hair in their food, complain about the weather, complain that their large apt is too big, and never make enough money. That's weakness right there, folks.

Then there are kittens. Kittens are prey to dogs, babies, disgruntled uncles, and the wind. Yet kittens steal the love of many a hot chick. Those mini felines rob the male population of back-rubs and vacations (we can't just leave the cat alone, we have to come back, or bring it with us).

See the disparity? Both are spoiled. Both are weak. Both always need hand holding and spoon feeding. Both are unaware of their huge deficiency. Yet one is a societal bruise, and the other is cherished in calendars in kitchens across the world.

I don't believe the solution is for 20-year olds to grow hair to look like kittens. But I do think admission of weakness is the key. Kittens are expected to be ignorant blocks of fur. Cat brains are as big as yesterday's dukie. But people know better.

I know i suck at kick ball. I know I suck at talking in straight lines of thought. I'm trying to get over it. I'm sure someone out there dislikes me. still feel like hating me?

Anthrax Value Meal

Americans eat fries not fruit. We chose burritos over berries. All people know this. Ask high school scum; he jumps punks for fried chicken, not for bananas. Not only do we eat greasy wagon mutton, but we eat it at speeds up to 100 mph.

And we are afraid of death.

Aside from the skydiving, base jumping, driving in traffic, and football with out cups, danger is everywhere. And we still don't care what we eat. And average people eat on a tri-daily basis. Even seclusion from moving objects and sunlight will still require food.

I have yet to see a food saying 100% death free. Eating apples is taking a chance at choking, or maybe diabetes because of the sugar. Each time the mouth opens, the dice are rolled on our lives. Roll a six and you die. If you eat KFC, you flip a coin. Heads, your dead, tails you are on pump.

And we are still afraid of death.

Fear glazes every phase of our day. Fear of car crash on the highway, fear of lead poisoning in the water, fear of bearded men being terrorists, and that's not even accounting for the psychological time bombs stuck in our sub conscious. Who can sleep?

I can, once I eat some BBQ ribs.

So apparently people are afraid of dying quickly, not dying slowly. This would explain cigarette addiction, consumption of anything fried, football, bloody knuckles, and a slew of other human activities that have no logical evolutionary function. And we call our species logical.

Maybe chemicals wouldn't be so bad if we put them in food. Lead based chicken. Asbestos beef. And of course, the Anthrax value meal. The glass chips burger comes with a side of tranquilizer shake (it's strong enough for any cow). These things won't kill you..... well right now at least.

Summary: You laugh, but your extra value meal isn't far off.

I can't identify zombies

Everyone knows that zombies smell bad, but I beg to differ.

Sure, there are the "stereotyped" zombies from every horror film. They have the matted hair, the ugly dental work, and the waistline that is the envy of all the super models. But I suspect there are more types of zombies than these.

For instance, there are work-addict-zombies. These zombie grow in a garden of underpaid overtime work in a poorly ventilated office. Late at night, groaning erupts from carpeted cubicles as zombie co-workers wander the halls.

Video game zombies now appear during the day. Back in the day video games were great late night entertainment. Can't play tennis when its dark, but now.... you can play pong! Once the daylight returned, games were set aside and the real thing was played. These days, the games are BETTER than real life. Ok ok, this is not completely true, but you must admit, graphics are good. Would you like to think about your 1 bedroom studio apt, or fight in a huge castle with orcs, trolls, and treasure? Which sounds more fantastic. Ok this question only works on guys. Girls would be saying "i have my own place? How much money do i have to decorate? Is it near a mall?"

And now there are mainstream Zombies. These don't smell, these don't dress drabby. These zombies eat, go to work, and drive normal cars.

So what is zombie about them? Well, talk to any of them, and see how many of these people really think for themselves. I am one of these people. Last time i checked a lot of my thoughts, or talking points, it wasn't pretty. My topics would often bounce from simple materialism to plain re-hash of internet stories. I'm a regular repeating news board. When was my last original thought? Isn't life more than buying new computers, getting HD everything, and saving up for a house to hold it all?

Are there no other choices?

So as in all things, pharisee or not, don't let appearances fool you. The movies got that much right. The hot chick is the vampire, the dead guy is alive, and chances are your friends are under mind control from the internet. Just look for the little plug for the cable in the back of their heads :)

Summary: Live a little. No, live a lot.

Thoughts from the Savon

The regular racks of crap at savon are aluminum. The nicer name brands try to cover the sheet metal with fancy tags. But the really nice products are something else entirely.

Ok, its the woman's products. I must admit I was entranced by the display. The shelf is a sheik white plastic, and get this: has lights underneath the semi-opaque material. This slight of shelf gives the products a glow similar to aliens exiting their space ship. Why IS it so bright in there? Clearly earthly standards are insufficient to sell this product. Only heightened intelligence will sell this girly smell accessories.

Wouldn't it be great to have those lights everywhere in your house? No more ikea lamps crowding your living room, if your floor glows. There's no shadows to scare the kids if the walls have embedded fluoresces. But someone beat me to the punch. Go to San Francisco union station and grab a bite to eat. The tables and some of the dividing walls all have this alien glow. At this rate everything will either look like TRON or Star trek in about 3 years.

I'm just waiting for my light cycle.

Too much fun?

I enjoy a good dinner with great friends.

Sometimes though, you have too many great friends showing up. How is this possible? Ok, if i hang out with cool friend one, life is good. But once there are, say, 6 cool friends at this particular dinner, I start spazing. As each friend slowly arrives at dinner, there's this snowballing expectation that this will be the most awesomest dinner ever. And just like great rollercoasters; they always let you dow. Hard.

I can only imagine the problem getting worse. Dinner with one friend? Great! Dinner with 2 friends: ok. Dinner with 6 friends: getting really high expectations. After a few years, then Wedding : all your friends. I expect that to be the saddest day of my life, my expectations skyrocketing to the tip of pluto.

Expectations are a funny thing, no matter how hard you chant they never seem to go away. Fairly soon you start expecting expectations. Then you start anticipating expecting expectations. Then you predict you will anticipate expecting expectations. Soon you start making no sense at dinner, and dressing in odd colors to psych yourself out.

The solution is as mysterious as the problem. The answer I've come up with? Have a bad time. Have a really really bad time. This isn't reverse psychology. That stuff doesn't work. You can always pull a anticipated reverse psychology on yourself. So, really. Just have a bad time. Life is full of bad things, may as well take some of them over a friendly dinner instead of some foreign war, or at work with top 3 least favorite people.

Summary: Maybe bad isn't that bad after all. Sorry this isn't a funny entry.

Proof that I am Behind

I haven't posted. I know, it has been an eternity, everyone is waiting.

I run like a starship. In the presence of debris, alien attacks, or severe Warp Engine Diahrrea, I have emergency procedures. Any regular situation can evolve into extreme awkwardness. This requires going to "red alert".These situations emerge from bad birthday parties, social mixers, blind dates, or eating too many tacos.

1. Shields up - For star wars, a sciency bubble pops up and bounces back evil laser blasts. In real life, any kind of cover will do. Books, walls, tombstones; these will all work. Get some solid material between you and that pesky chatterbox, deflecting annoying stories about corn or nephews.
2. Crewmen in their Quarters - Minimize your damage. Don't talk about important life changing issues in hte presence of a threat. Financial woes, relational problems in the hands of a gossiper will destroy your reputation. If conversing with a social leech, serious issues signal a tender area. This slimy person will claim the name of "friend" for years to come. Stick to topics like "cotton sure looks a lot like cotton candy. mm!"
3. Arm the Torpedos - There times when other people in the conversation have your secrets. Keeping your own mouth shut is easy, but commanding the trap of another proves very difficult. Sometimes you have to blow the other person out of the water to save your secrets. Hold nothing back.
1. (to the group) Squealer: "Hey tim, remember when we were with the guys and you ..."
2. Me: "Dude, My little pony is the lamest thing ever. Dancing ice cream colored ponys with powers? HA... Did your mom forget you were a boy?"
3. Squealer: " .... but Fizzy and the beauties were so cute...
4. Shutdown unnecessary functions - Niceness, politeless, being logical; these are all unnecessary. All you need to do is make this awkward situation Stop. Make it stop
1. Leech: You know tim, sometimes in small group, I think of you as a pretty girl, and i start to fall in love...
2. Me: Ok waste for brains, giraffes are nothing like zebras, except that your momma likes both of them more than you.
5. Warp 9 - No matter how cool you are, there is always someone lamer than your coolness. Don't be prideful. GET OUT. MOVE IT.

Summary: Girls will find this post boring. I have just discovered these things, whereas Girls have been teaching these things since they had two moving lips. Ask a girl to teach you.