Proof that I am Behind

I haven't posted. I know, it has been an eternity, everyone is waiting.

I run like a starship. In the presence of debris, alien attacks, or severe Warp Engine Diahrrea, I have emergency procedures. Any regular situation can evolve into extreme awkwardness. This requires going to "red alert".These situations emerge from bad birthday parties, social mixers, blind dates, or eating too many tacos.

1. Shields up - For star wars, a sciency bubble pops up and bounces back evil laser blasts. In real life, any kind of cover will do. Books, walls, tombstones; these will all work. Get some solid material between you and that pesky chatterbox, deflecting annoying stories about corn or nephews.
2. Crewmen in their Quarters - Minimize your damage. Don't talk about important life changing issues in hte presence of a threat. Financial woes, relational problems in the hands of a gossiper will destroy your reputation. If conversing with a social leech, serious issues signal a tender area. This slimy person will claim the name of "friend" for years to come. Stick to topics like "cotton sure looks a lot like cotton candy. mm!"
3. Arm the Torpedos - There times when other people in the conversation have your secrets. Keeping your own mouth shut is easy, but commanding the trap of another proves very difficult. Sometimes you have to blow the other person out of the water to save your secrets. Hold nothing back.
1. (to the group) Squealer: "Hey tim, remember when we were with the guys and you ..."
2. Me: "Dude, My little pony is the lamest thing ever. Dancing ice cream colored ponys with powers? HA... Did your mom forget you were a boy?"
3. Squealer: " .... but Fizzy and the beauties were so cute...
4. Shutdown unnecessary functions - Niceness, politeless, being logical; these are all unnecessary. All you need to do is make this awkward situation Stop. Make it stop
1. Leech: You know tim, sometimes in small group, I think of you as a pretty girl, and i start to fall in love...
2. Me: Ok waste for brains, giraffes are nothing like zebras, except that your momma likes both of them more than you.
5. Warp 9 - No matter how cool you are, there is always someone lamer than your coolness. Don't be prideful. GET OUT. MOVE IT.

Summary: Girls will find this post boring. I have just discovered these things, whereas Girls have been teaching these things since they had two moving lips. Ask a girl to teach you.