I'm not built for Highways

The parking garage was the first sign that today was going to suck like a hole in the hull of the space shuttle.

Ever get in a panic trying to decipher freeway and high way cuneiform? Those pesky arrows point at random lanes, none of which lead to your destination. Bright yellow boxes saying “exit only” indicate your current lane will hijack the path of your car. The gangster off-ramp crosses 2 residential areas and drops you like a cocaine shipment in the middle of the ghetto. Right behind a taco truck.

I don’t know why people worry about terrorists. First, it is common knowledge that all terrorists will strike at night. If they ever hit LA at night, the main highways 405 and the 10 will either be chuck full drunken party traffic, or all the off/on ramps will be closed for maintenance. Accompanying the maintenance are more cones than all the car commercials of the 90’s combined. At this point Terrorist A says to Terrorist B: “Wa-La-la-la! Why did we make demands for midnight! The 10 is not moving! We will never make it in time to blow up the staples center! And this taco truck is going SO slow. Wa-la-la-la-la! I know i could be going faster! Look at that red car, its like 4 cars ahead now! I should have stayed in that lane. If I take Olympic, that’ll still take me forever….Wa-la-la-la-la!”.

Am I the only one that does psychological warfare with street signs and arrows? Everytime I see an sign like “Freeway ->” I can’t tell if it’s the closest right turn, or the next right turn? My mind starts doing battle with the imaginary sinister urban planner about which is the right turn? It's like a nasty trick. No matter what choice I take, and wah-la: again, I find myself in the middle of the ghetto behind a taco truck.

Don’t even get me started on downtown. Downtown’s streets were designed by a drunk factory designer. All those one way streets turn into a merging nightmare. Also, if a turn is missed, a simple U-turn transforms into a journey resembling an escape from the death star. And his time, Vadar shadowing you in fancy CEO sports car and is late for his 12pm sith lord lunch, assailing you with swearing torpedos, and horn laser blasts.

Summary: I’m wrote this entry because I missed the Garage, missed my ticket, missed my flight, and am squatting in the airport.