Unidentified Brushing Object

UFO abductees claim to be subjects of various horrifying tests. Strange metal objects, knives, and strange sensations are common in all descriptions. Bright lights are often cited, coupled with strange murmuring and off tone music.

Sounds like the dentist to me.

First, a masked man comes in with goggles and a white coat. If his outfit is a hint of my diagnosis, I already feel like I have SARS. Actually, I’m not sure if it’s a man. My vision is blurred. Dominating my vision is a strange light that looks like the laser from ID4. It’s not strong enough to pop my eyeballs, but it’s definitely slow roasting my brain.

A lead vest is placed on my torso to protect my body from gamma rays, x-rays, or maybe even superman’s leering eye. Apparently my dentist assumes my head is made of lead, because I don’t receive any protective equipment for my skull. It’s ok to fry brains, but not my lungs.

They then proceed to stick that nasty film in your mouth, and take a picture with their *camera*. The *camera* has a barrel that could shoot photon torpedoes. By the way, the only way to know if the film is in the correct position, is for the patient to gag uncontrollably. If I don’t gag, Mr. White Coat will continually position the film till I do. To add to the joke, I have to hold the film in a gagging position. There’s probably a good joke here, but I don’t know what it is.

Then the horror starts. The tray next to my head platters orc weapons from the Lord of the Rings movies. Tools that the Dentist is happy to smile about. Apparently, my dentist is a sadist. I won’t go into the details, but it’s quite scary to see random iron hooks and blades enter your mouth and to see liquid explode from the lip line. By the way, they say it’s toothpaste they use, but I suspect its just Vaseline.

This begs the question: Aliens or the dentist?

I leave the office feeling like I’ve gnawed on cedar for 2 years. Some of my friends returned with “braces”. They say its for your teeth, but I suspect parents impose metal on your teeth to keep dating potentials low. I’ve never left the dentist feeling good.

I’ve never heard anyone complaining about bad dental work after being abducted. Sure, my new pimple has seeds of an alien race. And yes, I’m a walking biological time bomb. But you’d never know it with this great smile.

*ting*

Summary: At least you don’t remember much from the UFO