The Ultimate Album

My current crack cocaine goes by the name Itunes.

In theory it's great. Instead of buying 13 tracks of underproduced, over-packaged music, you can buy the 1 track of accidental genius from all your favorite artists. And let's face it folks, I estimate about 8% of all music made is good. How old is the music industry? You would figure they would have it down by now, at least 20% or 15%.

In light of all how we despise at least one song on every Album we buy, I submit to you the ultimate album.

The ultimate album would have 4 essential characteristics.

1. A Triple Platinum or Zirconium number 1 hit single - the single would have to be short, like less than a minute, and would induce vomiting and drooling. Crowds would be awed by its power and songbird qualities. By awed i mean vomiting for joy.

2. A sleeper hit - It would have to be a song about God, the moodiness of females, or some other left-wing, non-PC topic. The content would keep it banned from Television and radio, but it would be sugar to all those internet kiddies on YouTube and Myspace. The sleeper hit would have catchy phrases coined in all AIM conversations, like "hey now........... you're a rock star..." (how old is that song, I still here people chime in to that one)

3. An Awesome Live Track - This track would be a copy of the sleeper hit or the hit single. It would be packed with screaming girls screaming requests for love: "I love you!", or "you make me want to scream!" or "stop making me cry!" or "be the father of my kids!"

• The artist must swear once when describing the awesome city he's playing "What's up f****** (insert city name here)!"
• The crowd must sing along to the chorus or bridge of the song. The sound
  
• The solo by the gangster guitarist has to melt all the faces of the front row, and throw in other phrasing from other pop tunes.

4. A Guest Appearance Collaboration - For the widest appeal, the guest would be either Elton John or Paul McCartney. For sheer music epiphany, a cross-genre guest would work better. Guy girl combos would activate God-designed harmony. Just make sure you choose the right people. Having Norah Jones sing for Metallica will suck the testosterone out of any man.

5. The Bleeder - The bleeder has one purpose and one purpose only. To kill the listener. This is usually done with intense guitar work and searing licks for the solo. If its a piano, it has to slowly lead the listener into a voluntary coma. The only singer that could possibly do a bleeder track is Mariah Carey, whose high notes would shatter your bones and pop your eyeballs like the death star. (She hasn't done this yet because dead listeners don't buy your next hoochie album).

Summary: I'm scared of Mariah Carey.